Warning: The following post may contain TMI for some people. Post contains descriptions of medical procedures... human and feline.
I've spent the last 45 minutes trying to whittle down my list of "things to blog about that won't bore people to death."
Let me show you the list and see if you're bored to death:
1. My computer almost died (again) last week, and we spent money fixing it that I could have spent on more fun things. Apparently our processor didn't like us.
2. My elderly cat had us convinced she was on her way to meet Jesus. Instead, I paid the vet a RIDICULOUS sum of money and now I am giving her 2 pills and 2 injections every day. Yep, injections. Shots. To a cat.
3. I spent an entire afternoon having a giant mole-type thingy removed from my leg/booty. You know that spot right where your leg joins your rear end? Well that's where it was and that's where it's not anymore. The highlight of the procedure was when the doctor said (to my bared backside),
"It's not really slicing; it's more like a sawing motion."
That's the exact moment I considered passing out.
So I think I will leave it at that for the moment. Just a "taste" of current events around here. I may or may not feel the need to elaborate on any of these exciting goings ons. I just thought you should know what a thrilling life I live.
And I have to go. Time to inject the cat.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
An Open Letter To The Man At The Gas Station
Dear Man at the Gas Station,
I would first like to let you know that I am not a crazy woman. Yet.
It will be folks like you who actually drive me up to that ledge and push me over.
Let me explain, Mr. Gas Station Man. I have a chatty husband. A very chatty husband. And when he starts talking, there's no stopping him.
When he called me the other day, I was just pulling into the gas station parking lot. Remember?... You were standing there, pumping your gas, and my Mr. Chatty was just getting started. Chat, chat, chat, chat, chatty, chat, chat.
So.... I got tired of sitting there and being unproductive. That gas was not gonna pump itself. So, yep. You saw me. I got out of my car right across from you and pumped the gas whilst ON THE PHONE.
Remember that little "warning" you yelled to me? I didn't like it.
"HEY! You're not supposed to talk on the phone at the gas pump!"
You were a bit rude. And I think I had PMS.
You see, Mr. Gas Station Man, you need to work on your approach.
You didn't tell me to be careful in a kind voice. You didn't seem concerned for my well-being... like a grandfatherly type fellow.
In fact, you didn't seem concerned at all for me... You actually seemed worried that I was gonna use my cell phone to blow the gas pumps to Kingdom Come. And take you with me.
Mr. Gas Station Man, I've seen the little stickers with the little stick people telling me not to use the cell phone while pumping gas.
But I have a question for you. With 92% of the free world using cellular phones and driving cars... why aren't gas pumps blowing up all over the world?
And I have another question. Do you yell at the dude who's SMOKING while pumping his gas? I sure hope so, because HE scares me.
Since Dan/Daddy the Chatty was on the other end of the call, he heard you.
And he heard me... ranting and raving like a lunatic about the good citizen putting the smack down on cell phone use at the gas pump. I think he was a tiny bit worried about you, Mr. Gas Station Man. Maybe the cold weather was getting to me. Maybe the gas prices had me stressed out.
Now please don't label me a criminal. Ask anyone who knows me... I am the most law-abiding person they know. I hate breaking rules, and I break out in a cold sweat at the thought of doing something wrong.
But that day at the gas pump, I just needed to finish my phone call AND get gas.
I checked. It's not against the law to use a cell phone at the gas pump in our state. There is no danger of fire from cell phone use. (It's the static electricity that builds up on us when we slide out of our cars that can cause a spark.)
I'm no expert, but I happen to know folks who are.
"Using one’s cell phone while pumping gas/petrol can cause an explosion."
Busted.
"A properly-working cell phone poses almost no danger of igniting gasoline, even when surrounded by gasoline vapor with the optimum fuel-air mix for ignition. The actual risk comes from an electrostatic discharge between a charged driver and the car, often a result of continually getting into and out of the vehicle."
So... Mr. Gas Station Man, I guess this is my way of saying I'm sorry. I am not sorry for talking on my phone, but I am sorry for scaring you a little bit. Or a lot.
Maybe you'll think twice the next time you feel the need to yell out to a stranger in a not-nice voice.
You just may be yelling to a PMSing 40-year old woman on her cell phone who is standing in the cold trying to talk to her overly chatty husband and pay for gas that's entirely too expensive.
Sincerely,
Autumn
I would first like to let you know that I am not a crazy woman. Yet.
It will be folks like you who actually drive me up to that ledge and push me over.
Let me explain, Mr. Gas Station Man. I have a chatty husband. A very chatty husband. And when he starts talking, there's no stopping him.
When he called me the other day, I was just pulling into the gas station parking lot. Remember?... You were standing there, pumping your gas, and my Mr. Chatty was just getting started. Chat, chat, chat, chat, chatty, chat, chat.
So.... I got tired of sitting there and being unproductive. That gas was not gonna pump itself. So, yep. You saw me. I got out of my car right across from you and pumped the gas whilst ON THE PHONE.
Remember that little "warning" you yelled to me? I didn't like it.
"HEY! You're not supposed to talk on the phone at the gas pump!"
You were a bit rude. And I think I had PMS.
You see, Mr. Gas Station Man, you need to work on your approach.
You didn't tell me to be careful in a kind voice. You didn't seem concerned for my well-being... like a grandfatherly type fellow.
In fact, you didn't seem concerned at all for me... You actually seemed worried that I was gonna use my cell phone to blow the gas pumps to Kingdom Come. And take you with me.
Mr. Gas Station Man, I've seen the little stickers with the little stick people telling me not to use the cell phone while pumping gas.
But I have a question for you. With 92% of the free world using cellular phones and driving cars... why aren't gas pumps blowing up all over the world?
And I have another question. Do you yell at the dude who's SMOKING while pumping his gas? I sure hope so, because HE scares me.
Since Dan/Daddy the Chatty was on the other end of the call, he heard you.
And he heard me... ranting and raving like a lunatic about the good citizen putting the smack down on cell phone use at the gas pump. I think he was a tiny bit worried about you, Mr. Gas Station Man. Maybe the cold weather was getting to me. Maybe the gas prices had me stressed out.
Now please don't label me a criminal. Ask anyone who knows me... I am the most law-abiding person they know. I hate breaking rules, and I break out in a cold sweat at the thought of doing something wrong.
But that day at the gas pump, I just needed to finish my phone call AND get gas.
I checked. It's not against the law to use a cell phone at the gas pump in our state. There is no danger of fire from cell phone use. (It's the static electricity that builds up on us when we slide out of our cars that can cause a spark.)
I'm no expert, but I happen to know folks who are.
"Using one’s cell phone while pumping gas/petrol can cause an explosion."
Busted.
"A properly-working cell phone poses almost no danger of igniting gasoline, even when surrounded by gasoline vapor with the optimum fuel-air mix for ignition. The actual risk comes from an electrostatic discharge between a charged driver and the car, often a result of continually getting into and out of the vehicle."
So... Mr. Gas Station Man, I guess this is my way of saying I'm sorry. I am not sorry for talking on my phone, but I am sorry for scaring you a little bit. Or a lot.
Maybe you'll think twice the next time you feel the need to yell out to a stranger in a not-nice voice.
You just may be yelling to a PMSing 40-year old woman on her cell phone who is standing in the cold trying to talk to her overly chatty husband and pay for gas that's entirely too expensive.
Sincerely,
Autumn
Thursday, January 20, 2011
And A Thousand Times YES
Well. I loved it.
Before last night, I was a tiny bit concerned. I mean, no more Simon? And we only had Ellen for a season? What was up with Idol? The bread-and-butter of my reality show obsession was changing its recipe, and I was worried.
But I am not worried anymore...
Jennifer Lopez was fun and kind. And is possibly one of the most stunning women on the planet. Steven Tyler? Could he be any cooler? Freaky cool, he is. And I loved how he'd join in on the really bad singing with his trademark high pitched squeaaaaaaaaal. Hysterical.
I appreciate the fact that they are all real musicians. Award winning and with years in the business.
I don't know a hoot about the recording industry, but something tells me they will know what to look for.
I am looking forward to this season. And I may not miss Simon as much as I thought I would.
Before last night, I was a tiny bit concerned. I mean, no more Simon? And we only had Ellen for a season? What was up with Idol? The bread-and-butter of my reality show obsession was changing its recipe, and I was worried.
But I am not worried anymore...
Jennifer Lopez was fun and kind. And is possibly one of the most stunning women on the planet. Steven Tyler? Could he be any cooler? Freaky cool, he is. And I loved how he'd join in on the really bad singing with his trademark high pitched squeaaaaaaaaal. Hysterical.
I appreciate the fact that they are all real musicians. Award winning and with years in the business.
I don't know a hoot about the recording industry, but something tells me they will know what to look for.
I am looking forward to this season. And I may not miss Simon as much as I thought I would.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Wake Me Up Before You Go Go
I was the proud owner of a Droid 2 last week. I owned it for exactly 37 hours.
And then I gave it back to the very nice people at Verizon.
Because I am an old-poot, set-in-my-ways, middle aged woman.
I am becoming the people I make fun of.
I couldn't handle it. The phone was WAY smarter than me. Way smarter than I needed it to be.
Don't misunderstand me... it is a COOL phone. I mean, it is a COOL tiny computer.
And therein lies the problem. I didn't need a tiny computer; I needed a new phone.
I waste enough time looking at blogs, staring at Facebook, and googling random crap. I do not need to be able to do it from my cel phone while strolling through Target or sitting in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube. I am certain there's a market out there for those who want "over 100,000 apps!" It's not me.
So, I took it back, and the salesman (who had talked me INTO the Droid) kindly said,
"Baby steps, baby steps."
I appreciate these kids today who know how to deal kindly with the elderly.
Unlike my very own son. Who was not happy AT ALL that I was exchanging it. He informed me that people would die to have the Droid. That it was the coolest. That I could download "over 100,000 apps!" (The market is apparently 11 year-olds.)
And then he said,
"You should just get a Jitterbug."
Ouch.
Well now.
I don't know if you've ever seen the infomercials for the Jitterbug, but let me tell you... I was offended.
If you haven't seen the commercials... Let me explain. The Jitterbug is a cel phone for the Geriatric set. It's the size of a toaster. It's made to be easy to use.
The Jitterbug is NOT the song from 1984 by WHAM...
(That is the LARGEST picture you can get of them from the Internet. Maybe they are embarrassed, too.)
Perhaps if you listened to this song or this group (ahem), you should be punished by being made to own a Jitterbug phone.
I did get the cel phone that I wanted. It's way better than the one I had, and I can even access Facebook from it... Ha.
But sorry son, it's not the Droid.
But it's certainly not a J-J-J-Jitterbug. J-J-J-Jitterbug.
Wake me up before you go-go,
Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo.
Baby steps, baby steps.
And then I gave it back to the very nice people at Verizon.
Because I am an old-poot, set-in-my-ways, middle aged woman.
I am becoming the people I make fun of.
I couldn't handle it. The phone was WAY smarter than me. Way smarter than I needed it to be.
Don't misunderstand me... it is a COOL phone. I mean, it is a COOL tiny computer.
And therein lies the problem. I didn't need a tiny computer; I needed a new phone.
I waste enough time looking at blogs, staring at Facebook, and googling random crap. I do not need to be able to do it from my cel phone while strolling through Target or sitting in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube. I am certain there's a market out there for those who want "over 100,000 apps!" It's not me.
So, I took it back, and the salesman (who had talked me INTO the Droid) kindly said,
"Baby steps, baby steps."
I appreciate these kids today who know how to deal kindly with the elderly.
Unlike my very own son. Who was not happy AT ALL that I was exchanging it. He informed me that people would die to have the Droid. That it was the coolest. That I could download "over 100,000 apps!" (The market is apparently 11 year-olds.)
And then he said,
"You should just get a Jitterbug."
Ouch.
Well now.
I don't know if you've ever seen the infomercials for the Jitterbug, but let me tell you... I was offended.
If you haven't seen the commercials... Let me explain. The Jitterbug is a cel phone for the Geriatric set. It's the size of a toaster. It's made to be easy to use.
The Jitterbug is NOT the song from 1984 by WHAM...
(That is the LARGEST picture you can get of them from the Internet. Maybe they are embarrassed, too.)
Perhaps if you listened to this song or this group (ahem), you should be punished by being made to own a Jitterbug phone.
I did get the cel phone that I wanted. It's way better than the one I had, and I can even access Facebook from it... Ha.
But sorry son, it's not the Droid.
But it's certainly not a J-J-J-Jitterbug. J-J-J-Jitterbug.
Wake me up before you go-go,
Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo.
Baby steps, baby steps.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
My Iced-In "10"
It's Day #2 of the big Snow/Ice Storm 2011, and I'm tired. Tired from doing nothing and tired from staying up way too late to watch the Auburn/Oregon game.
I dozed off for a while last night, but then woke up for the last 6 minutes... which was the best part of the whole game.
As you may know... a DIE HARD 11 year-old Alabama fan lives in this house (and he's influenced the rest of us). I'm happy to report that he (we) rooted for Auburn. It's a Southern thing I guess. If your team isn't playing for the National title, at least pull for the SEC team that is. Even if they are a major rival.
So... Cabin Fever hasn't set in just yet, but I feel it coming.
At first, I love the being "cooped up." I get just as excited as the boy when school is cancelled. I hate waking up and making a ham sandwich at 7:00 am.
I kept my PJs on until sometime after 4:00 pm yesterday. Then I took a shower and put on fresh PJ's. Ahhhh. The snowed-in life.
But the glamour will start to wear off eventually.
I can assure you it will wear off for the boy this afternoon when we start cleaning out/re-organizing/de-cluttering his room and toys. He's gonna be wishing he was at school.
SO because we can't leave the house and because it's Tuesday and because I haven't participated in a hundred years...
I give you...
Ten On Tuesday...
1. Is there a band/artist that you HATE?
Nope. Not really. I despise it when singers spew profanity and hatred. I also cannot STAND people singing through their nose. I can tolerate country music; but, please, sing it with your voice and lungs... not your nasal passages.
2. What do you do when you get a gift that you do not like? How do you react?
I don't usually receive gifts that I don't like... sometimes they don't fit... my body or my personality. I like most things I receive, and I am always happy that someone thought of me. Even if I have to get a bigger size!
3. How is your work office/cubicle decorated?
Like my house. Cause it is my house.
4. Do you use all of your vacation every year?
I guess I'll have to answer yes, but it's Dan/Daddy's time we're using.
5. Did you have a real or fake Christmas tree?
It used to be a real one. Then I gave birth to the most allergic human being on the planet. Now it's a fake one. I miss the tree smell, but not the tree mess. Or the trips to the ER.
6. If you could have anything for dinner tonight, what would it be?
Anything cooked (well) by someone other than me.
7. Do you bite your fingernails?
No.
8. How many cups of coffee do you drink each day?
2 maybe. Unless it's a Starbucks kind of day. Then 3.
9. Do you have a nervous tick?
I don't think so. I talk with my hands. Does that count? I also jiggle my legs when I'm sitting. Does that count?
10. How often do you vacuum?
A lot. I can wear out a vacuum in no time flat. 2 cats and 1 boy means a lot of mess.
Again... Congratulations Auburn!! GO SEC!!
And hurry up and melt snow!!
I dozed off for a while last night, but then woke up for the last 6 minutes... which was the best part of the whole game.
As you may know... a DIE HARD 11 year-old Alabama fan lives in this house (and he's influenced the rest of us). I'm happy to report that he (we) rooted for Auburn. It's a Southern thing I guess. If your team isn't playing for the National title, at least pull for the SEC team that is. Even if they are a major rival.
So... Cabin Fever hasn't set in just yet, but I feel it coming.
At first, I love the being "cooped up." I get just as excited as the boy when school is cancelled. I hate waking up and making a ham sandwich at 7:00 am.
I kept my PJs on until sometime after 4:00 pm yesterday. Then I took a shower and put on fresh PJ's. Ahhhh. The snowed-in life.
But the glamour will start to wear off eventually.
I can assure you it will wear off for the boy this afternoon when we start cleaning out/re-organizing/de-cluttering his room and toys. He's gonna be wishing he was at school.
SO because we can't leave the house and because it's Tuesday and because I haven't participated in a hundred years...
I give you...
Ten On Tuesday...
1. Is there a band/artist that you HATE?
Nope. Not really. I despise it when singers spew profanity and hatred. I also cannot STAND people singing through their nose. I can tolerate country music; but, please, sing it with your voice and lungs... not your nasal passages.
2. What do you do when you get a gift that you do not like? How do you react?
I don't usually receive gifts that I don't like... sometimes they don't fit... my body or my personality. I like most things I receive, and I am always happy that someone thought of me. Even if I have to get a bigger size!
3. How is your work office/cubicle decorated?
Like my house. Cause it is my house.
4. Do you use all of your vacation every year?
I guess I'll have to answer yes, but it's Dan/Daddy's time we're using.
5. Did you have a real or fake Christmas tree?
It used to be a real one. Then I gave birth to the most allergic human being on the planet. Now it's a fake one. I miss the tree smell, but not the tree mess. Or the trips to the ER.
6. If you could have anything for dinner tonight, what would it be?
Anything cooked (well) by someone other than me.
7. Do you bite your fingernails?
No.
8. How many cups of coffee do you drink each day?
2 maybe. Unless it's a Starbucks kind of day. Then 3.
9. Do you have a nervous tick?
I don't think so. I talk with my hands. Does that count? I also jiggle my legs when I'm sitting. Does that count?
10. How often do you vacuum?
A lot. I can wear out a vacuum in no time flat. 2 cats and 1 boy means a lot of mess.
Again... Congratulations Auburn!! GO SEC!!
And hurry up and melt snow!!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
A Million Kinds Of Happy
I did give you fair warning that I'd be posting Christmas pictures WELL into the New Year.
This one is actually from Thanksgiving. Ha.
While we were all in SC for Turkey Day, we went to see a Christmas lights display in the city near where my parents live. It's one you can drive through, and this year they added a "walk-thru" part. With a S'mores fire pit and a hot chocolate vendor. And Santa. Good times all around.
All of us (we 3, my mom and dad, and my brother, sis-in-law, and nephew) piled into the car and had ourselves a hoot of a time.
But these 2? I don't think the word "happy" does this picture justice.
They had just seen Santa, sucked down some hot cocoa, and were stopping along the path at the "photo spots."
April took the picture, and I have it as my screen saver because I cannot look at it without smiling.
O. My. Word.
They kill me.
Have you ever seen a smilier picture?
People talk about "bottling" kids' energy...
but I'd like to bottle some of that happy.
This one is actually from Thanksgiving. Ha.
While we were all in SC for Turkey Day, we went to see a Christmas lights display in the city near where my parents live. It's one you can drive through, and this year they added a "walk-thru" part. With a S'mores fire pit and a hot chocolate vendor. And Santa. Good times all around.
All of us (we 3, my mom and dad, and my brother, sis-in-law, and nephew) piled into the car and had ourselves a hoot of a time.
But these 2? I don't think the word "happy" does this picture justice.
They had just seen Santa, sucked down some hot cocoa, and were stopping along the path at the "photo spots."
April took the picture, and I have it as my screen saver because I cannot look at it without smiling.
O. My. Word.
They kill me.
Have you ever seen a smilier picture?
People talk about "bottling" kids' energy...
but I'd like to bottle some of that happy.
Friday, January 7, 2011
8 Things Beacuse I Can't Think of 10
I know you've all been wondering how I started off the New Year. I am convinced that 2011 is out to get me already.
All my favorite blogs have "lists" going right now. So I fall victim to the peer pressure once more.
1. We made it home from our whirlwind Christmas travels on 1-1-11. I think that's pretty cool, and I tried to think about when it would be 2-2-22, but then I really thought about how old I'd be. So I quit thinking about it.
2. Dan/Daddy has this really nice looking brown corduroy jacket. He always forgets he owns it. When he actually remembers he owns it and wears it, it's usually 70 degrees.
On Sunday, it was 96 degrees INSIDE the chapel with 98% humidity. I looked over at him, wiped the sweat from my upper lip and asked him if he was gonna take that jacket off. He said,
"I remembered to wear it, and I am not taking it off. It's the principle of the whole thing."
And they call me stubborn.
3. I am baffled by the amount of birdseed that the birds in my yard can consume. Where do they put it?
4. While making returns/exchanges this week, I stopped in the parking lot to get something out of the back of my car. I put my receipt down for a second, and a gust of wind blew it away.
I chased it underneath a minivan. Really. It blew ALLTHEWAYUNDER the minivan, and I had to belly crawl to reach it.
Somewhere in Kohl's Executive Offices, someone is watching parking lot security video footage of me. Low-crawling under a minivan. To get a receipt.
5. We packed up Dan/Daddy and shipped him off to school this week. 6 months of Advanced Army Chaplain school. He's only about 2 hours away and we'll see him most weekends, but his truck was loaded down. The man can pack a lot of stuff. I wonder if he took the brown jacket?
6. The boy turns in his Science Fair project today. Praise be to the Lord on High. It was kinda fun and exciting to us all for the first month or so he worked on it. Now we're ALL happy to see it DONE. Lately it felt like it was breathing down our necks. Staring at us from the corner of the room. "Finish me... Finish me..."
7. The boy, at the ripe old age of 11, had visible stress on his face as he finished up that project. Is the ability to stress out inherited or learned? Poor kid doesn't stand a chance either way.
8. All the Christmas decorations are put away. All except the ones on the front porch and lawn. I am thinking about leaving them to see if any of my neighbors say anything.
That's it. That's how the first week of 2011 has gone for us.
(There was an exciting trip or 2 to the cel phone store, but that's thrilling enough for its own post.)
Have a great weekend, friends.
All my favorite blogs have "lists" going right now. So I fall victim to the peer pressure once more.
1. We made it home from our whirlwind Christmas travels on 1-1-11. I think that's pretty cool, and I tried to think about when it would be 2-2-22, but then I really thought about how old I'd be. So I quit thinking about it.
2. Dan/Daddy has this really nice looking brown corduroy jacket. He always forgets he owns it. When he actually remembers he owns it and wears it, it's usually 70 degrees.
On Sunday, it was 96 degrees INSIDE the chapel with 98% humidity. I looked over at him, wiped the sweat from my upper lip and asked him if he was gonna take that jacket off. He said,
"I remembered to wear it, and I am not taking it off. It's the principle of the whole thing."
And they call me stubborn.
3. I am baffled by the amount of birdseed that the birds in my yard can consume. Where do they put it?
4. While making returns/exchanges this week, I stopped in the parking lot to get something out of the back of my car. I put my receipt down for a second, and a gust of wind blew it away.
I chased it underneath a minivan. Really. It blew ALLTHEWAYUNDER the minivan, and I had to belly crawl to reach it.
Somewhere in Kohl's Executive Offices, someone is watching parking lot security video footage of me. Low-crawling under a minivan. To get a receipt.
5. We packed up Dan/Daddy and shipped him off to school this week. 6 months of Advanced Army Chaplain school. He's only about 2 hours away and we'll see him most weekends, but his truck was loaded down. The man can pack a lot of stuff. I wonder if he took the brown jacket?
6. The boy turns in his Science Fair project today. Praise be to the Lord on High. It was kinda fun and exciting to us all for the first month or so he worked on it. Now we're ALL happy to see it DONE. Lately it felt like it was breathing down our necks. Staring at us from the corner of the room. "Finish me... Finish me..."
7. The boy, at the ripe old age of 11, had visible stress on his face as he finished up that project. Is the ability to stress out inherited or learned? Poor kid doesn't stand a chance either way.
8. All the Christmas decorations are put away. All except the ones on the front porch and lawn. I am thinking about leaving them to see if any of my neighbors say anything.
That's it. That's how the first week of 2011 has gone for us.
(There was an exciting trip or 2 to the cel phone store, but that's thrilling enough for its own post.)
Have a great weekend, friends.
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